Dreams and Goals Make the World Move

In her books, My Name is Not Isabella and My Name is Not Alexander, Jennifer Fosberry takes the reader on a fanciful journey through a child’s imagination as they dream about what they can become.  A president, scientist, inventor, astronaut, activist, performers, nurse, baseball player, and Indian Chief flitted across the pages, changing to match the child’s current activity.  In the end, both Isabella and Alexander decided that being themselves is the best option.

                                              

Every parent dreams for his or her child, and every child goes through a million different ideas before landing on the one they want to pursue.  It can be more challenging to dream for your child who has a visual impairment.  Seeing the barriers can be easier than discovering the possibilities and society itself often puts limits on those dreams.  Shifting your focus slightly off center can allow you to see past the negativity to recognize the potential, problem solve through the obstacles, and allow your child to soar. 

                                           

Solid goal setting smooths the path towards reaching the dreams you and your child have. While we all have experience setting goals for ourselves and observing goal setting in others, it can be a little tricky helping your child through the process for the first time.  The following steps can help facilitate.

1.  Allow your child to be in charge of choosing the goal.  It is easy for us to see what we want for our children and to push in that direction, but they will be much more motivated to put in the necessary effort if they have picked the ultimate target.  You can provide general guidance about areas to focus on, just make sure they have the final say. Be prepared for the fact that their first goals might be very simple or very complex, and nowhere close to what you would have chosen for them.  Be open to supporting them regardless, as long as their goal is reasonable.  You many need to consult with your child’s teacher of the visually impaired (TVI), or other professionals to help you with the feasibility of the goal.  

2. Break the goal into pieces and start out small.  A goal like climbing the Alps overwhelms all but the most experienced climbers.  Yet, most anyone can commit to walking to the neighborhood park and back.  As your child accomplishes this small goal, move to the next largest piece, walking to the park, around the pond it contains, and back home again. Before you know it, they will be climbing the Alps. 

3. Scaffold each activity.  New goals mean a new skill set.  Your child may need help with learning the steps.  Accomplish this by: a) showing them how b) having them do parts or all of the activity with you c) watching them closely while they complete the activity by themselves d) sitting back and let them fly solo. Gradually stepping back is the most important piece of this step, without it, your child will be unable to accomplish their goal.

4. Model seeking help. Everyone needs help from time to time. Learning when and how to request it, as well as how to refuse it when it is unnecessary, is an essential skill for your child with a visual impairment. Allow them to see you asking for help, this can even be when you ask their TVI for help in supporting their chosen goal.  Give them words for politely saying no thank you when they do not need help.  Just because they do not need it now, does not mean they will not tomorrow, so they should not burn any bridges.  Make sure that you expect your child to try to problem solve through difficulties before they come to you for help. Provide them guidance that will help them complete the activity rather than doing for them.

5. Catch them making progress.  We all need a little reassurance that we are on the right track.  Providing your child with very specific, very targeted praise around their effort towards the goal will keep them motivated as well as letting them know what they are doing right.  “Great job” is not nearly as effective as “I like how you problem solved there. You tried three different things before you came and asked me for help.  Way to go!”

6. Reevaluate along the way. Looking at a goal and making sure that it continues to be relevant and reasonable can prevent a child from becoming frustrated.  You might find that the goal was too big, or too small, or that maybe waiting a month to tackle it would work better.  Just because you agreed on a goal together does not mean that it cannot change down the road.

7. Celebrate success.  When you establish a goal, you can also choose a reward for completing that goal.  Make sure the size of the reward matches the size of the accomplishment.  A reward does not have to be tangible, it can be time spent with you, a trip to the park, watching a favorite TV show, having their favorite dinner, or simply well thought out praise for a job well done. 

8. Start over.  Make goal setting a habit rather than a one-time experience.  When your child has reached their first goal, encourage them to move on to another.  Experience will make the process quicker and easier.  They can move towards creating an overarching goal with smaller goal/objective to reach along the way.   

Goal setting is an important part of everyone’s life. It is what provides us with a focus and allows us to maintain motivation to move forward.  Finding just the right set of goals to provide a slight challenge without overwhelming can take a little practice, but it will always be worth it in the end.  Do not forget to dream big for your child and move confidently towards making those dreams a reality.

Learned Helplessness

A scene from Shrek 3 finds Fiona, her mother, Cinderella, Snow White, and Sleeping Beauty captured in a room under armed guard.  They are desperate to escape in order to save Shrek and the kingdom from the evil Prince Charming.  In order to achieve this, the princesses rush into various positions: Cinderella starts to feverishly mop the floor, Sleeping Beauty fell asleep and Snow White laid down with her hands crossed on her chest.  While prior to this they had been fully functional adults, when placed in a stressful situation, they reverted back to a very dependent and helpless position. 

            This learned helplessness is unfortunately very common for our children who are visually impaired.  It is natural for parents to go through a grieving process and to be unsure of how their child with a visual impairment will function within a sighted world, or for a teacher to be wary of how they can meet the needs of a child with a visual impairment. We are empathetic creatures by nature, and easily put ourselves in our child’s shoes and think how we would feel without sight.  However, children from a very early age pick up on the feelings of those in their environments.  If we allow our fear for their safety, or doubt in how they will be able to access the world to take over, the message they will receive loud and clear is that they are unable to complete typical activities and should not be held to the same expectations.  Paired with the occasional failure that happens to all children, they will quickly develop the concept that it is easier to have others do for them rather than attempting to do for themselves.

                                                 

While everyone needs help from time to time, and it is nice to be pampered every once in a while, a constant diet of depending on others and lack of self-efficacy can lead to some negative outcomes.  Research has shown that those who feel a lack of control over their world and respond passively, over time tend to develop increased stress, anxiety, and depression as well as decreased motivation (Psychology Today).  By allowing the world to happen to them rather than happening to the world, your child can miss out on many activities they really want to complete.  They are also robbed of the satisfaction and pride that is felt when successfully complete an activity that is just a little harder than they thought possible. 

                                                 

                Even if these patterns have developed for your child, all is not lost, they can be reversed with some thoughtful interventions and the buy-in of all the adults in your child’s world. For the Disney princesses, their catalysis was the queen calmly head butting the way through two stone walls to open an escape route, empowering them to realize they too could draw on their inner strength to fight back.  Clearly the solution for your child does not need to be so dramatic. However, it will require just as much mental strength and perseverance, especially if the learned helplessness has been long standing. 

                                              

1. Look at your child first and foremost as a child.  What expectations would you have of any other child?  What dreams would you have for them?  How would you push them to accomplish those dreams or meet those expectations?  What path would you expect them to move along to adulthood? You should expect the same and dream the same for your child who has a visual impairment.  They will just move along the path a little differently.

2. Have a firm, unmovable belief that they can become a successful interdependent adult. Take every opportunity to convey that belief to them by your actions as well as your words.  What you do often speaks much louder than what you say.

3. Be prepared to stand firm through the temper tantrums.  Change is hard for anyone. If your child has developed a long standing pattern of having things done for them, they will often push back against having to do for themselves.  Remember that they need time to change their thought patterns and to adjust to new responsibilities.

4. Scaffold activities for them.  Going from doing no part of an activity to the entire activity can be a very daunting task.  Having them start with a little part and adding another when they have been successful with the first, not only allows them to experience frequent success, it also makes it more of a natural rather than drastic change.

5. Provide authentic praise and very concrete examples of what went well.  A generic “good job” will cause them to doubt you really paid attention or that you are telling the truth, especially if they feel they were not 100% successful with the activity.  Instead, if you say “I am really proud of how long you kept working at tying your shoe.  I know that the knot isn’t as tight as you like it, but this is the first time you have not needed me to help you put the loop through the hole.” It gives them perspective as well as an indisputable example of success. 

Learned helplessness can be an easy trap to fall into that approaches so slowly and silently that it can be hard to detect, yet, the devastating impact on the child can be felt for years.  With a little self-awareness and a lot of hard work, you can begin to move your child past it to become the adult you always dreamed they could be.

References:

Miller, C. (2007). Shrek the Third. PDI/DreamWorks, DreamWorks Animation.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/learned-helplessness

Wentzel, K. R. & Brophy, J. E. (2014). Motivating Students to Learn 4^th Edition. New York, NY: Routledge.

Fostering Curiosity and Drive

He knew there were cookies up there somewhere, he could smell them.  But how to get to them.... The chair became his ally as he silently pushed it across the floor.  His three-year-old legs stopped just in front of the stove and up he went.  Undaunted by the gap between the stove-top and chair, he scaled the gap using the oven handle.  He quickly stood up, making sure the bottom of the cabinets didn’t meet his head, felt for the door, and victory was his!

The mass of middle school girls had pressed close together at the starting line, a bundle of sweat and nervous energy.  But now they were spread across a vast area, each one battling her own private trail to the finish line.  A faint hint of color flashed by letting her know she was still on the right path; she had veered off a time or two but always managed to find her way back.  In front of her she heard a cheering mass letting her know she was nearing the finish line.  As she burst out of the trees and crossed the finish line, she collapsed to the ground exhausted but exuberant.  Her time was a new personal best and she had helped her team towards a second place finish.

The smell of grease and oil was all around, other students and the instructor called back and forth to each other but he was focused on battling with the stubborn lug nut.  If he could get it tightened, his truck would have new brakes.  Finally, it felt right.  He called the teacher over and was told that everything looked great.

These are all typical activities and even rites of passage for so many kids.  The difference here is that every one of these children has a visual impairment and they are all braille readers.  All too often that means the expectations are lowered and opportunities are blocked.  This doesn’t have to be the case, a child who is visually impaired can experience the same intense drive, the same inborn curiosity, and the same exhilaration with success as every other child.  The adults just need to work a little harder to build the right environment around them. 

Every human being is born with a curiosity for the world, a need to reach out to play and learn, as well as a desire to move and explore.   Over time these desires are shaped by those nearest us into either a path of internally motivated exploration, or turned into dependence on others for motivation without a sense that we cannot impact our world.  A few simple things can tip the scale in one direction or the other.

Where is the control?

To be motivated, we have to have an idea that we have control over a situation.  If nothing we do can change the outcome, why would we put in the effort to complete the project?  Allowing our children to make small decisions starting at a young age (what clothes do I want to wear, what should I have for snack, which book do I want to read) and building to bigger and bigger decisions as they get older gives them the basis for that control.  All too often when a child is visually impaired people will talk to the adults around then rather than to the child themselves.  Redirecting that conversation towards the child helps them to know that they have valued input that is worth hearing.

Why is this task important?

For any of us to want to complete a task, we have to have some sort of interest in what we are asked to do.  We can be motivated to complete even the most mundane tasks, like washing dishes, if we see that there is a greater good at the other end – being able to eat dinner on a clean plate tonight.  Our children with visual impairments often miss seeing all the little steps that go into the bigger picture.  They can think that food just appears at the table or that clean clothes are just in the closet without realizing the work that goes into making those things happen.  Involving your child in every step of every process from a young age is incredibly important. It is best if they can feel what you are doing while you are doing it or help alongside of you, but if that is not possible make sure to explain what steps you are doing especially explaining what they hear, touch, or smell.   The more you expose them to, the more areas they have the opportunity to become interested in. Be careful to not limit their experiences because what they want might be visually difficult or because you are afraid.  There are very few things that cannot be adapted to work for your child with the help of a good Teacher of the Visually Impaired and a little creativity.  A child shouldn’t have to give up something they are passionate about because we are intimidated by the what-ifs. 

Will I be able to do it?

None of us like to feel like we fail at everything we do.  Your child with a visual impairment needs to have authentic chances to be successful at completing the activities we all do every day.  It may take them longer to complete the activities and more patience to teach them, but in the long term it is well worth it.  Building confidence with the small things they know everyone does will translate to the sense that they could be successful with larger things as well.  Doing for them sends the message that they are unable to do for themselves. 

The sense of wonder, adventure and curiosity we are all born with can be nurtured and kept throughout our lives with just a little conscious effort on the parts of the adults in a child’s world.  With that wonder comes the motivation to move out into the world, gain independence, and be successful contributing members of society.